trying to keep my head above water . .

it seems as if every ounce of fate and happiness is against me right now. it seems as if every time something exciting is about to happen, something horrible has to come along with it and ruin things. it seems as if nobody is going to be okay anymore in my family. who's next? my mom or dad? i would cry floods of tears. i've spent too much time in hospitals this year. too much time worrying about whether someone will be okay or not. are they ever okay? they're in the hospital for a reason . . they aren't doing well. when will it end? when will all this suffering subside?

why is it that the people you are closest with pass you by so quickly? why is it that the people whom you care so much about are the ones that are suffering? my cries are bewildering and my suffering is shameful. my tears are brought forth from beyond and they are storming out with rage. make it go away immediately.

my dearest faith goes out to my grandma grunow who this morning woke up with pain in her jaw and chest. the heart attack fizzled her energy.

i am so glad that i wasn't halfway to virginia/dc with a call from a family member saying she was in the emergency room being tested. at least she's alive . . i hope she's okay. i hope everything goes back to how it was. i swear i'll visit her more often. i swear i'll tell her all about my life and go see her at least once a week. i now know that they won't always be there. please.

                                             i'm scared.

the trip . . probably cancelled. if not . . delayed until at least tuesday/wednesday

         my mind . . shot down and utterly pissed off.

                   my grandma . . hospitalized beyond belief.

                                IT'S A DISASTER!

someone save me from this state of mind and capture all of the problems. someone give me a comfort call. i'm begging you. i need it.

"if we can, we will leave our letter and this song for you

and we'll write once a day and float it through the sea to you

we'll regret all those things we thought of but didn't ever do

when the sky seems to clear, we will then be left but a few

me and you"

warped tour doesn't matter anymore, although a t-shirt or pictures would be nice. maybe an autograph?

     virginia/dc doesn't matter anymore. i can go visit some other time.

          i think i'll stuff my face into a book for a while. it's all fiction anyways.

          maybe i'll sleep away the day?

     music is intriguing

no more hospitals please.